So, I never do this and nobody may ever read this. But I am in my first year of teaching and lets say first of. I am a theater teacher. I have wanted to be one for so long. I have gone to school for past high school three degrees and may even go back in the future, cause I love to learn. However so much school and my history of being in special education has made me see view success and failure in very even terms. I have always been a perfectionist ever since I was in special education, I need everything to be prefect that i could control like english, social studies and all my other subjects. Because my performance in math was out of my hands and i never found success in it. Since then, I have always viewed my life in terms of success and winning and losing and failure. There never was grey area for me and it made me strive to be prefect and maybe that has been my massive downfall this year.
They all say being first year teacher, is the hardest thing you ever do and boy are they right. I got hired the day before school started to be a middle school teacher and it changed my life in about 6 hours. I have been having some high high and low lows since day one. The highs are seeing my classes complete two units and perform them so well. My downside is my classroom mangement skills are such not prefect and boy is that hard for me to cope with. I have been viewing my classroom management skills as needing to prefect and if they are not , like if my kids don’t listen or we don’t accomplish what I need them to or we have a rough day. I am a failure.
I have always been afarid of being a failure. Ever since I was in my own education and especially being in special education. Failure was something i was terrified of. I never waned to failed and would go out of my way to overachieve so nobody would even have me near that word. And not i am out of school and a teacher in my own right and even thought life is not black and white , I am still viewing it as black and white and viewing everything i do as less then prefect and as a failure.